Short Essays

Contradictions

As children, we slowly develop distinct worldviews, often influenced by our friends and family. A little girl will observe no correlation between her views on abortion and the Iraq war, and form seemingly independent opinions on both subjects (though likely consistent, due to external influences). As we grow up, we discover collectives who share many of our same beliefs. Rather than continue to ponder what ought to be “right”, we subscribe to a few tribes and adopt their belief system. Remaining consistent with a set of pre-conceived views prescribed by a particular tribal denomination is rather easy. Instead of constructing an authentic perspective, one must only imagine the archetypal response. As such, we forego our quest to understand the world on our own terms, perhaps the greatest privilege a sentient being can have. While our social nature makes a degree of herd mentality unavoidable, we can see vestiges of an authentic self by looking through the cracks. We are deeply defined by our contradictions.

Games

In spite of having the stereotypical personality profile, I rarely played board games. The first few games of Monopoly were actually engaging, but on one occasion the group suggested we finish early. This seemed inconceivable, in part because I happened to be winning, but also because the whole objective of Monopoly was to eliminate all your opponents. Ending early would steal the joy of reaping a deserved win after hours of late-night play. I’m fairly certain this experience had something to do with my later aversion to this activity.

I understand why society finds a certain level of comfort in games. Starting with “peek-a-boo”, we learn to experience the complexities of the world through a vastly simplified set of rules. As we grow, games get progressively more complex, and rules more elusive. We score our first kiss, pass our driver’s test, run for high school president, get into a good college, obtain a high-paying job, buy a big house, build a happy family, and so on. Through our culture and institutions, we maintain an unwritten rulebook that can give us some purpose in the chaos of reality.

Some will spend their entire lives chasing one game after another, always ending in disappointment when — at the cusp of winning — the board vanishes away. Others might have an epiphany, and realize that we are not sitting by the board, but rather standing on it…

Meaningful Meaninglessness

The notion of God stopped making sense from one day to the next, and I went along with my life without much concern. My transition was smooth, but not inconsequential. By meticulously eliminating all religious references from my life, I foregone the wonders of spirituality. Over time, atheism shaped me into a deeply existential person, with a tendency towards cynicism. It became easy to adopt a dark and ominous view of the world, and to stop caring about social issues.

Any indirect reference to a higher purpose would be deeply bothersome. Such was the case the time when a fellow classmate, Rolando, had his testicles crushed by a horse. After a couple of weeks away, he returned to the classroom accompanied by the principal. In a valiant effort to teach us a lesson, the principal told us how “Rolandito” might be behind in growing facial hair and deepening his voice, and that in essence, his empty sack was God’s plan. The moment stuck with me forever.

Humans are pattern recognition machines, and while we can consciously interpret many of these patterns, the vast majority are constructed unconsciously and surfaced as emotional responses or epiphanies. We evolved to find “meaning” in the world around us, and abandoning this Darwinian primer is a self-defeating proposition.

“Meaning” is an unavoidable part of human existence, and spirituality is the embracement of meaning. The less inquisitive might borrow material marketed by the church, and the creatives will develop their own. I still fundamentally believe existence is completely meaningless, but have welcomed an infinite quest for meaning as part of my identity.

Our individual purpose in this world is a subjective fabrication, but our common search for purpose is universal. This realization pulled me away from the darkness and fueled a sense of compassion for humanity as a whole. We are all together, lost in the nothingness of space, desperately looking for meaning.